If you do, you’ll end up in trouble.

How do I know? I have been there. More often than I’d like to admit. I am a relationship coach, mind you. I really should know better.

And I do. Yet, there are moments when I just plain forget. Some part of my brain takes over. And with it the urge ‘to talk’.

That’s when I know I am in trouble: “This isn’t working. I have to talk to him about it. I am sure it will make us both feel so much better.”

It almost never does. Instead of feeling better and getting things cleared up, we end up in an argument and more disconnected than before.

As women, we like to talk things out. If we have a misunderstanding, we talk about it. If we hurt, we talk about it. If we are happy, or if we are upset, we talk about it. Men don’t. At least not in my life.

For women, talking creates ease and intimacy. We relax. We tell each other stories. We talk about our feelings, about our secrets. It’s comforting and calming. We feel understood and it creates a bond.

Talking to a man is isn’t the same. He listens differently. He doesn’t tell you his feelings or secrets. He’ll tell you the facts. He’ll tell you what to do.

For him, words have another type of power. The power of information. To build a plan, a strategy and to do things with. Since he can’t do anything with feelings, he won’t respond.

There are rare moments when a man will talk about something that’s close to his heart. Yet, often we get so excited about it that we extinguish those precious occasions with our enthusiastic and verbal outbursts.

So, how can all this help you in your interactions with men?

You need girlfriends. To make your relationship better, you need women friends. Having female connections will help you to release the pressures that build up in your fast paced life. It will give you the opportunity to talk about your dreams as well as your fears and worries.

Chill. If things do get miss-communicated and heated up, don’t try to work it out by talking about it. Chill. Rest, get out of the house and take it easy until you calm down. Talking to you girlfriend will help but in my experience it’s best to learn the discipline of taking a step back from an argument. Do you need to bring up the issue at a later point? Most likely not. You won’t make it better by talking about it some more.

Don’t talk about your feelings. It can work on rare occasions if you let him know in advance that you just have to vent and that there is nothing he has to do about it. But more often than not it will not give you the release you are looking for. A man will try to help you by giving you advice (Which women often take as criticism). That’s not what we are looking for. We just want someone to listen to us and to help us feel better.

Respect and accept the differences. Men and women are different. Try as you might, you won’t change that. Instead, learn to recognize and cherish those differences. Men are protective. They want to help you and make you happy. It’s our job to understand this and to keep our affection alive and our hearts open.

How about you? What are your secrets in connecting and communicating with men?


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Photo Source: Lisa M Photography via Flickr under a Creative Commons License