If you are a man in a relationship with a woman you may have experienced this scenario: Your significant other tells you about a problem she’s facing and after thinking about it for a moment, you tell her how to handle it. Case closed.
As you may have noticed, it’s not that easy. Women like to talk about problems and men like to solve them. However, women rarely follow the advice they are given.
Why? When women have a problem or are dealing with a confusing situation, we like to talk about it. We are looking for input and we are looking for lots of it.
As women we like to consider our options and we may not be looking for a simple one-fits-all answer. Because, see, there are so many different ways to approach the issue.
I guess the positive aspect of this behavior is that it helps to minimize the risk of making a bad decision. The downside, as my husband puts it, is that women may get killed before they come up with an answer.
If as a man you are frustrated with a woman’s response to your well meant suggestion, rest assured that she doesn’t mean to upset you. She may just need a little longer to come to a similar conclusion … or drop the issue all together.
Photo Source: beau-foto via Flickr under a Creative Commons License
I was beginning to think I wouldn’t find a single article of this type. Searched “why don’t women listen to men” and went through three pages of results before hitting anything that wasn’t “why men don’t listen to women.” I think this is proof positive that men don’t talk about their feelings as much as women do. Most all of these types of articles are written by women for women.
As a man I can only theorize why women don’t listen to men, specifically their boyfriend’s and spouses. As to why men don’t listen to women, I can give you my reasons. When my girlfriend would need to vent, a transfer of stress would take place after which I would be emotionally worn out. I noticed that she was often upset about the same things. I would give her advice on how to change the situation. She would ignore it, the problem would persist and I’d have to listen to her complain about the same thing again. This eventually lead to me ending the relationship.
There would be times that I would avoid listening to her because:
A) I had things to do and couldn’t let myself be emotionally wrecked.
B) I was tired of listening to her complain about the same thing for the 10th or 20th time.
C) I knew she was going to talk to her friends and family about the same thing, so why bother.
At the end of the day my real problem was that I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. Women complain that guys try to solve their problems, when what they really want is just to be heard. They don’t stop to think that dumping the same baggage on a guy day after day rather then trying to address the problem is selfish and illogical.
The nail in the coffin was the fact that she would take advice from her mother, TV shows magazine articles, friends, but not me. The same advice I had given her would suddenly seem valid when it came from someone else, even a stranger. I’m not going to accept an emotion toll with no hope reaching a solution because “women like to talk about their feelings.”
My wife does exactly the same. She complained about water retention and sore feet, I give her advice. She ignored my advice for years. She then saw this whatsapp group and paid money to join them, only to get exactly the advice that I gave her years ago. Now all of a sudden it’s a revelation to her and she pesters me with the advice they give her. It’s driving me nuts. I also came to the conclusion that women are self absorbed and selfish.
Oh my goodness. Sorry for resurrecting this thread but when I googled “wives don’t listen to husbands”, results become the other way. “Females don’t listen to male”, results are opposite again. In 2020, still only female writers justifying their thoughts and arguments.
And your theory is spot on. We tune out when our advice are trampled on and not trusted not followed not tried, as they say they feel suffocated, stifled, restricted and just wants to give up or avoid our well-meant solutions or advice. To explore on their own e.g. mum or magazines or strangers.
Typical behaviour across the world at any age generally speaking.
If I write a book on this it’ll be a bestseller.
I feel u man
What can we do
But there are a very few dignified women who are happy with the feminine energy they are born with n love freely n have compassion in their hearts. Just like the pure love of a mother for kids or grand mother for grand kids. There are women who still love like that n Give positive energy to the man so that he has strength to face a world another day for the sake of family. Unfortunately these values are lost on most people today.
I completely agree with the comments above from kurt franklin.
I do however have issues with several comments from the author. For example when she says “As women we like to consider our options and we may not be looking for a simple one-fits-all answer” . This is a very selfish point of view. Why would you assume the guy is not giving you a solution that is perfectly tailored to your issue? After all, he of all people should know you better than anyone else since he is in a relationship with you. We as men solve complex problems all day long and we do it with out letting emotions get in the way. When he gives you a solution to your problem it is a solution to YOUR problem and not a one-size fits all solution.
Another thing to point out is that when you are in a relationship you do not have the luxury of making decisions on your own. Your decisions have a direct effect on the person you are in a relationship with. You have to work together……and pull from each others strengths. If you tell a man about a problem and he gives you a solution then you should take the time to listen to that solution and talk about it. If you don’t agree with the solution at least make logical statements arguing why it will not work and this will then enable both of you to work together to solve the problem. Dumping your emotions on a guy day after day about the same thing is not going to solve the problem. If you simply work together to solve the problem today….you will no longer need to talk about your feelings on the subject tomorrow. Instead you can enjoy life.
After being married I have come to the conclusion that women are very selfish. If you simply listen to your husband you would find out that all your problems will go away and you can enjoy life. You want men to take care of you……then let us take care of you by listening to us.
That’s my two cents.
Truth!!!!!!!!! Well said
I myself find myself confronted with this problem with the women in my life. If the woman I am currently seeing starts ranting about something…and I do not get any input into the conversation other than “uhuh” “yea” “that’s right” “I can’t believe he did that” etc….after 10 mins I tend to zone out…I try my utmost best not to…but it happens.
There is too much focus these days on MEN having to learn to be great listeners than on women learning to better PACE their conversations, if you notice your man has started zoning out learn to pause…regain his attention and then continue…instead of flying into a rage and saying “you never listen”
If you expect me to have the patience and understanding to listen to you rant over an issue that is important to you…then you should have the patience to understand that sometimes I may zone out…and you may need to pause…regain my attention and then continue.
I have the same problem with my wife she like to lesson to other people be for me when I tell her the same thin
It’s hard trying to get a woman to listen to anything. Especially when it’s about something important. You try telling them the answer to their problem and they want to catch attitudes arguing back and everything. I only was trying to tell you something so fucking simple, yet you get on me and catch attitudes and call your friends and they repeat the Same shit I just said
I’m at the end of it. Locked in here with my wife and I feel so lonely. Our relationship is just a monologue of hers and she doesn’t listen to a word I say.
I give her solutions to problems and as everyone says here she ignores every single one until she hears it from the TV or anywhere else. I also let her know how to do some things so she doesn’t interfere with mine, 1, 2, 10 times with no avail.
Tried to talk to her about it, even her family’s been telling her for years she would lose me if she went on like this and now I found my limit.
I have no work at the moment and I’m not allowed to move to my home province due to the quarantine, otherwise I would rent a room someplace else. For now I just lock myself into my office at home.
Most women are so selfish, they think about what is done to them, ignoring completely what they do to others.
Man, 13 years begging for some sort of respect and nothing, what a waste.
Once the lockdown is over, I’m selling all I have, buying a bike and ride to wherever it takes me. I don’t care if I die in the process, I already considered ending myself and I find that boring.
What a response from you beautiful men. As a woman listening to a man is different than a man listening to a woman.
I want a man to respect my process just like we do for all the stuff that we don’t mention that require patience from a man. We both are dependent on each other in the relationship and also our own autonomous person. You plant the seed of wisdom and then the understanding and revelation is sometimes watered and nurtured through multiple confirmations.
You can also communicate and say whew this is a lot and I’ll need to come back to the convo. A man doesn’t always want a woman to fix him. It swings both ways. The sacrifice of listening and giving room to her process of understanding is different than our sacrifice of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, inconsistencies, etc…
Grace is necessary on both sides. Truth is when my guy gave me his advice on taking care of my car it felt like pressure. It also felt like fear being projected on me. It also felt like he wouldn’t give me room to become convicted.
When we are purchasing most men want to know all of the facts before making a decision, well guess what so do women. I’m not property or I’m not owned. I respect his process, work schedule, slow communication, other slow areas and give space to him. We deserve to be seen in a more positive light. I’m sorry if you both are not a good fit that’s different, but in a mutual respectful relationship everyone comes to their answers differently.
What you say makes sense . But one thing doesn’t. It’s where you say sometimes a women doesn’t want to be fixed. I don’t believe we are trying to “fix ” our wives. We are trying to fix the situations that cause unneeded stress and countless arguments. If you care about someone you don’t want to see them stressed. But if they don’t want to fix the situation and let it keep happening over and over. How is that fair to the person that has to endure the fallout of this. Men, are seen as the rock, but we aren’t invincible . We will break over time . I work very hard to give my wife everything she needs and wants. And in return I just want my advice to be taken seriously. It is heartbreaking when a stranger’s advice is taken over the person you are supposed to trust . A relationship takes work. The work isn’t meant to just maintain the relationship. It’s to better it, and make it as perfect as it can be. With enough years you should be able to predict your loved ones, faults and strengths . Fears and loves, and likes and dislikes. But only if your willing to listen and adapt to eachother. And if you can’t trust your well-being in your husband’s hands, then I don’t believe you should be in that relationship. But it is just insanity to have the same fights over and over ,because you refuse to fix it the first time. Doing this in any other part of your life wouldn’t make sense so why does it make sense in a relationship?. Nobody would walk Into a busy road and get hit by a car 100 times. If it happened once they would learn and not let it happen again. But many men have endured countless arguments about the exact same thing. It’s wrong to just use us as emotional punching bags . Listening doesn’t mean being talked at, if that is the case then why don’t they just talk to a wall. Talking is about you telling us your concerns or stresses, us offering our shoulder and then offering a solution . You get heard, you feel loved , then you never have to suffer through it again .but instead it just feels like all the stuff you want to say to the world , instead gets directed at us. We shut down because no matter what we say it will be filtered through her emotions and heard completely the wrong way. And we weren’t built to see a problem without trying to find a solution. Its what makes humanity great and not relive humanities past mistakes. But for some reason our beautiful women are only looking for the quick short term fix. Lol
I am 42 and today I ended my relationship of 5 years. All of what I read here smacks of what has been going on with me.
She wont listen to anything I give her to do and never follows up on tasks but will go to work and give 110 percent.
I can do better and there are women out there who can listen. I saw my mother listen to my father and they made it to the very end of marriage together.
I just need to find her.
Just do better and be better for each other. Honesty wins/ends most things
So seriously what should men do?
My girlfriend always talk about respect, spend more time together, etc but it seems she did the other way.
Mostly I do clean the house and never complaint, but when she saw a bit of dirt she asked me why I didn’t clean up the house?
I told her “I will do it on weekend cos I just washed the car today, meanwhile if you saw something a bit dirty why don’t you just take the sweeper?” .. and she replied “Because I’m super busy at work”
Now who asked to spend more time together here?? Isn’t it ironic?